Why I can't leave

First, this has nothing to do with the post, but I must share my experience this morning.  On my way to work, there was a man walking toward me. I didn't think much of it, until I heard the sound of his head colliding with the metal pole I had just passed. I turned around and watched him - he was a bit stunned, but he managed to figure out how to get around the pole and keep going.  9:00am on a Monday, best time for drunk people watching. 

That aside, wow, I'm sick.  Last year I was sick every few weeks it seemed, but this year I managed to hold it off for eight months and then it all jumped me at once. It's been about two weeks. I went to do the doctor once, he told me it was "the common cold," prescribed me a pack of pills for three days, and then I got worse. So I've been teaching and living life while not being able to breathe through my nose and coughing and feeling generally crappy.  Today during lunch I was desperate, so I went to this ENT that I have been hearing so much about.  So I walk in - no one is there. I gave my insurance card and ID card to the nice lady who put it all in the computer, and then she walked me back to the chair.  Dr. Lee came right out, glanced at his computer and said, "Hi Aimee, how are you today?"   I was impressed.  So I told him everything that was going on, and he asked me if I had been around anyone with a cold. I said I work with five year olds, and he started laughing, "Oooooh...I understand."  So he sticks this metal thing in my ear, says, "Hey! Let's look at this together!" and shows me the inside of my ear on screen.  That was kind of cool.  And it was normal, so I don't have an ear infection, yay.  Then he says he's going to look up my nose, and I tell him I'll pass on looking at this part, but after he looks up there he tells me oh no, I have to look.  So there, on screen, the inside of my nose.  Then he looked at my throat, and he made me look AGAIN at all the crap draining into it.  I almost threw up on him.  He stopped making me look.  Then he gets out a thingey and sucked the crap out of my nose and throat and for a miraculous few minutes, I could breathe.  He then proceeds to get out a human skull and show me all the holes and cavities, then draws a picture on his whiteboard of my nose to show me where everything is coming from.  It ended with, "You have a severe sinus infection.  But it will get better, don't worry."  He prescribed me a pack of stuff, which he actually explained to me, and I was out the door.  The whole thing took maybe 15 minutes, because he really liked to talk, and it cost me 3900 won, or about $3.67.  Then I went to get my prescription at the pharmacy, from another guy who spoke perfect English.  A antibiotic, an anti-inflammatory, something to widen my nasal passages, and something to soak up all the yucky stuff.  Enough for three times a day for three days.  Total: 3000 won, or $2.82.  AMERICA, YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG. 
     When I think about going back home, I panic. Here, my apartment is paid for, I use public transportation or I walk, my gas, electric, cable, internet, and phone bills are fairly inexpensive, and the medical insurance and pension plan are fantastic.  The only reason I would go home is that I want to get married and have children of my own, and I think that will be impossible here. Not that it was possible in the 32 years I spent there, so maybe I'm just destined to not have it all, I don't know.  But to think about finding a place to live , and buying a car, and getting in the middle of the massive Obamacare mess...I don't want to.  Even more so, having babies here is amazing.  Ultrasound every month, 3d imaging and photos included every month, and THE GOVERNMENT PAYS FOR IT.  They give $500 to help with expenses, which, with our insurance, covers all doctor's visits.  And if you have a C-section, it's an automatic 6 night/ 7 day stay.  Total out of pocket - usually less than $2000.  Now, the nurses don't do anything for you beyond what is medically necessary, but COME ON.  I could fly both my parents over for less than what the whole thing would cost in the States. 
     I feel like I live in a very protected bubble, away from real life, and I'm afraid to leave it.  I know that's ridiculous, and I'm going to have to do it eventually, but for right now I'm just going to stay here and get loved on by kids, and grow closer to Jesus, and hope that The One will happen to live here, too, at some point.  Whatever happens, I know that I don't want to go back to a job that I hate, just so that I can barely afford to live a meaningless life.  I also don't want to chance getting into debt again, and I don't want to be a burden on people.  I want to wake up and never dread a day.  I want to live my calling. 

Where did the happy go? A lesson on pride.

There are several definitions for the word pride: noun 1. a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc. 2.pleasure or satisfaction taken in something done by or belonging to oneself or believed to reflect credit upon oneself: civic pride. 3. a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect; self-esteem.

After everything began to crumble around me this week, that may be a tad dramatic, I looked up this word and read the above definitions. I also looked it up in Greek and Hebrew and read a bunch of stuff online, and I realized, with some, or a lot, of shame, that I never understood how pride can manifest itself.  At the root of it all, my pride lies in the fact that I feel like I am owed something.  All the time. By everyone. And that is why I am so angry all the time.  So simple, you'd think it would have been easier to recognize; but I could have never given words to what I was feeling.  And now that I have...the sermons I heard weeks ago on humility and meekness make a lot more sense. 

Something has been taken from me this week.  Something I deemed important to my existence, which seems stupid even as I write it.  Maybe I should qualify that by saying, to my existence here, in Korea.  A friendship with two people that I truly enjoyed was cut off due to insecurities beyond my control.  I was hurt. I AM hurt.  I keep tearing up when I think about it, though I attribute some of that to the massive cramps I've been having for days. (Sorry guys.)  I keep replaying the last eight months, and I have no idea what I have done wrong.  Typically, if I know what I did, I own it, and I try to fix it. I have done A LOT of apologizing over the last few months.  But I can't, for the life of me, figure out how I have offended these people.  Clearly, it's a part of this culture I have not fully grasped.  It has been constantly on my mind, and I have this sick feeling in my chest, like I've done something terribly wrong.  I'm having conversations in my mind that will probably never happen.  Scenarios where I run into them while I'm out with our mutual friends keep playing themselves out.  On the walk to school this morning, it was so loud in my head that I couldn't hear the music playing through my headphones.  I kept trying to figure out why this is bothering me so much.  It's not like we're best friends.  We're not even close friends.  I came to the conclusion sometime today that it is because I feel like I am owed something: an explanation; a second chance; a do-over.  When I understood that, the rest of the pieces started falling in to place.  Why am I so angry at five year olds?  Because they are taking control from me.  Why am I so angry with people I work around?  Because they are taking control from me.  Why do I get annoyed and upset with people around me?  Because they are taking time and control away from me; they aren't giving me the courtesies or respect that I desire from them.  At the end of it all, it's about me. And suddenly, the first line of Rick Warren's "Purpose Driven Life" came back to me: "It's not about you."

There it is.  The truth, finally.  The problem is ME.  It's the "I" in all those sentences above.  I have been reading over and over again about dying to self.  I have been conflicted because I have no idea what that means practically.  I have been struggling because I know I can't do it on my own strength, but I don't even know what that truly means.  Maybe the first step in releasing this anger and frustration and confusion and hurt and guilt is just the total abandonment of the notion that this life is about me.  Isn't that the essence of "denying self"?  Maybe it is joyful acceptance of the Truth that nothing that I do is going to get me closer to heaven, that Jesus loves me just as I am, and that who I am and where I am is not a mistake, but providence.  Maybe it is grasping the knowledge that if I am fearfully and wonderfully made, so is every other person that walks this earth, therefore releasing the reservations and judgment I hold in my heart.  I feel like this moment is the complete undoing of everything that has been holding me together for years, but maybe, this is what it feels like to be truly broken.  I feel an overwhelming exhaustion, like I've been wrestling forever with something I was never able to get a firm hold on, never once having the upper hand, but never fully giving up either.  I think it's time now.  I have to let go of everything I cling to and let God begin or continue or restart the process of rebuilding what has been torn down.  It is only through the faith He has given me and the grace and mercy He has lovingly shown me, that I can begin to become the woman He has created me to be. 

Thanks friends...just needed to talk that out. 
I love you!

"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom."  Proverbs 11:2

Pretty churchy

Yesterday, I went to church in Gangnam.  It was a church I have heard about from several of my friends, and since I had to go to Seoul for a conference on Saturday, I figured I’d just stay the night and check it out. I am so, so glad that I did.  First of all, it’s huge.  They have three English services. There were over 200 people at the service I was at, and people kept making comments about where all the people were, must have gotten an early start on the holiday or something, which leads me to believe there are probably twice that many people that normally go to that service. There were a ton of Koreans, but a lot of foreigners, too, from all over the world.   There were straight, strong, American men with no Korean girls on their arms.  Men praying for each other, talking about their small groups.  I cried the whole time, obviously.  The band was awesome, and of course, as always happens when I go somewhere new or try out something different, they started with “Bless the Lord O my Soul,” which is my favorite worship song.  It’s like when I hear that, I know I’m in the right place.  The pastor was fantastic.  He must be Korean-American.  He has no accent at all, and I know he was a youth minister in California for a time.  The sermon was a DIRECT ANSWER to something I’ve been questioning, and even having conversations about with some friends.  I saw a couple videos of healing services a couple of weeks ago…the super charismatic kind, where there are thousands of people and everyone is crying, and the guys on stage are healing by “fire” and whatever else they yell, and I was really having a hard time with it.  It seemed so fake and like such a show, I was really turned off.  I don’t even know if I believe that healing still occurs like it did in Jesus's time.  Anyway, the sermon was on a passage in Acts, about the Holy Spirit.  Peter is quoting the prophet Joel, talking about how in the end days, God will pour out his spirit, and people (men and women) will prophesy in His name, men will see visions and dream dreams, there will be wonders above and below.   Then the Pastor spoke about the gifts we receive when the holy spirit comes on us.  And he said, “just because a gift has been abused and misused, doesn’t mean it should be obliterated, especially if the Bible doesn’t say it.”  He specifically brought up the example of all the people that do the huge healing services and stuff, and he said he came from a church like that. But he began to notice in himself that it wasn’t about God anymore. As these things were happening, he started to get this, “I’m so anointed!” feeling.  Anyway, then he told a separate story about being with a bunch of 7^th grade boys in a youth group, and he just felt like God was telling him to pray for them, someone was sick.  He said, “I’m not trying to be mystical, just telling you what happened.”  So he asked the boys what was going on, if anyone was sick or hurting, and one of the boys said that he had been going to a chiropractor twice a month for as long as he could remember, because one leg was shorter than the other.  So he prayed for him.  And his leg came out.  And the 7^th graders saw it.  And the pastor called him days later and told him not to do that kind of thing anymore, because the boy’s mom was scared!    He later called and apologized, realizing that if God was going to do something so amazing, they should be thankful.  It just really spoke to me…just because people may be misusing or abusing the gifts God has given them, it doesn’t mean that those gifts aren’t real, and they shouldn’t be used at all. 

I felt God's love like I haven't in a long time.  That He would care enough to answer my specific question…and the power of that just overwhelmed me. And I realized that so many things about me need to change.  No matter how much I say I love God, and how much things have changed in my life, I still haven’t learned to deny myself.  Denying myself isn’t fun, and I don’t want to do it, but isn’t that the point?  In this book I’m still reading, “not a fan,” the pastor/author talks about that very thing. The chapter I read today was about a couple at his church that wanted to become members, but because they were not married and living together, they couldn’t.  The pastor told them that we don’t have to have our lives together to come before God, or to come to church, but as followers of Jesus, we have to be willing to repent.  The woman was mad and said they weren’t going to do that.  The pastor said, “They wanted to be called Christians without actually making an effort to follow Christ.”  Now, I know that being a “Christian” isn’t about what we do.  It is by grace we are saved, and that is that.  However, if after we are “saved,” we aren’t doing anything differently, are we really saved?  Do we really love someone that we refuse to do anything for? Can we show love when we only want to do what our selfish desires are seeking for us to do?  So, that is my lesson learned this week.  That is my conscious decision. There are certain areas in my life that I have been withholding from God.  I’ve been denying Him, and seeking only what my flesh wants.  I want to make an effort to follow what Jesus has called me to do.  I need to stop making unhealthy choices.  I need to focus on modeling for my five year olds how to handle their emotions instead of getting upset at them.  I need to become less addicted to coffee and Hot Six and more loving toward water and vegetables and fruit.  I want to continually be filled with the Holy Spirit, which means spending more time with God in the Word, and less time on my phone checking Facebook.  It means making a conscious effort to love people, not judge them or get angry with them.  I will fail miserably, because I’m not Jesus.  But God loves me and has given me his Spirit and has given me gifts, and I want to be a light to the people around me, not a downer.  I want to love people so they are drawn to my God, not scare them away, which also means I have to make different choices when it comes to what I do and say when I hang out with people I work with verses other believers.  
I realize that I can't do any of it on my own.  It is only through God that I have the desire to be better, and it is only through the Holy Spirit's power that I actually could be.  (That and a NutriBullet...MOM.) 

Headed to bed.  One more day of work and then a five day vacation thanks to the Korean Thanksgiving.  In case you're interested, here is the info on the church in Gangnam: http://newharvestsarang.org.

Also check out "not a fan." by Kyle Idleman.

The Coolest Thing

My friends are leaving. And, I'm very, very sad.  This is bad for me, because I don't have a lot of friends here. That's by my choice, and I'm not complaining, but this couple has been instrumental in my time here, and I'm happy for them, but sad for me.  That being said, half of this couple, Michael, and half of another couple, Caleb, have been filling in as interim pastors since Pastor Jimmy left a couple of months ago.  They are incredibly well studied and well spoken, and I love listening to them on Sunday mornings.  The Sunday before last, I had an idea in the morning that I wanted to run by them at church, and I did, and they accepted and ran with it.  I had never been baptized as an adult.  It was something I've been wanting to do but kept putting off., so I asked if they would be willing to baptize me...and we set it up for the next weekend.  The other half of the couple that is leaving, Julie, decided to get baptized as well, and it became this beautiful moment to look forward to. 

So, the following Saturday, 11 of us met at church and drove out to the trail head to a place that Caleb had found for us to do the baptism.  Did I mention it was raining? Because it was really gross outside.

 But since it was only drizzling, we decided we would go ahead with it.  Now, those of you that know me know that I hate to hike. "It's an easy hike," they said.  "No problem," they said. 

Then we got to the part where we had to start going down, and my inner wimp kicked in.  It must have shown on my face, because Martha, Caleb's wife, said to me, "Don't worry, Aimee.  Caleb and I have sworn to protect your face and other bones."  And she was serious.  In their lives before Korea, they were rafting guides and super outdoors kind of people.  Opposite of me. OPPOSITE OF ME.  Martha is about half my size, so while I was concentrating on not dying, I was appreciating the humor of this tiny thing trying to prevent me from dying.  Of course the rain picked up a little on the way down, and of course it was like, rocks and leaves we were hiking down, but we all did it.  I fell once.  Would have been a thousand times if Martha hadn't been in front of me telling me where to put my feet and to just sit down and slide down the rocks.  I feel like I need her to lead me in daily life, just to navigate the sidewalks in this country.

So, we (or maybe just me) are slipping and sliding all the way down. And I hear Hannah say from behind me, "Aimee, this could symbolize your journey in life..."  So, so true.  Ups and downs, slips and falls, no idea where to put my feet, and my gracious savior, leading me through it. 

 After about 10 or 15 minutes, we come to a sizeable pool of water, and ask Caleb, "Is this it?"
"No, it's a little further down."
We come to another good sized pool of water.  "Is this it?"
"No, it's just a little further down.  I can see it from here."
We come to a cliff. Nowhere left to go.  Caleb starts pulling out rope.  "Uh, Caleb? What..."
It's over the cliff.  I blamed the pregnant woman with us and said we shouldn't go down it, even though the pool at the bottom was seriously the perfect baptismal.  Luckily for me, it was raining just a little bit harder, and the others suggested going back to the last pool.  So we turned around.  And on the way back to the last pool, I saw something shiny in the dirt.

 "I think Jesus agrees with the decision to go back!"  Seriously, cool right?  Of all things to find while we're down there?  When we got back to the last pool, I asked Hannah, "Does this qualify as developing hinds' feet?"  She and I have started a study with the two of us of "Hinds Feet on High Places," and the whole process of getting down and up was so fitting! 

One of the things I appreciate most about Caleb and Michael is their ability to prepare.  And prepare they did.  They had an actual ceremony printed out (thankfully put in plastic covers) and we had like a 15 minute deal. I was expecting to go to the beach and get dunked with some friends.  They took time out of their lives to actively look for a cool place to do this, and to prepare a ceremony and print out pages for everyone in attendance to participate. As it started to really rain, we were slightly protected by the trees towering over us.  Michael opened in prayer, and Caleb started by reading some scripture and then explaining what baptism is.  Or isn't, rather.  It's not a magical spell.  It's not what saves us. It isn't even what changes our lives or our hearts.  It doesn't make us better or "more religious" than anyone that isn't baptized.  It is, however, something that God commands his believers to do, along with communion.  It is a public proclamation of faith, and it was something I wanted to do, desperately.  Then, we all recited the Apostle's Creed together, and after, Michael asked Julie (his wife) and I if we affirmed it, and we did.  Then he took Julie in first, and he asked her some questions as to her beliefs which she affirmed, and then he and Caleb baptized her by laying her back, completely under the water, symbolizing the death of her old life, and raising her back up, symbolizing her new life in Christ.  Then it was my turn.  Caleb asked me the questions, and then they both baptized me in the same way.  When we finished, the whole group sang "Before the Throne of God" and then Michael and Caleb prayed for us.  You know when something is really serious, and everyone is having a moment, but something tiny happens to make you laugh and you can't stop, no matter what?  Something caught in Michael's throat as he was praying, and I started giggling and I couldn't stop.  I was shaking, and snorting from trying to hold it back, and I just kept my head down, hoping they would think I was crying and not laughing.  It was terrible.  And hilarious.

After it was over, we gathered our stuff and climbed back up.  (So much easier than coming down, though I did get stuck at one point, just laying on my stomach, having no idea what to do with my hands or feet.  Caleb saved me.)   When we got to the top I looked around...Julie and I had been completely submerged, and we were no more wet than anyone else in the group.  Those are dedicated friends.  The whole thing was so beautiful, I wouldn't change a moment of it. 

I did have the forethought to put my phone in a plastic bag, though the only ones I had were blue.  Hannah was kind enough to take pictures during the ceremony, so here they are through the rain and a blue Ziploc bag.  They aren't exactly crystal clear...but if you squint, you'll get the picture. (Ha!  Get it?  Get the "picture"?)

The trail led down to a valley near this temple.  This is the only temple I've seen this color.

After it was all done, we all went to dinner as a group then hung out and devoured a family bucket of ice cream and a fruity cake.  Michael preached with passion the next morning on being pure in heart, and then the church took us to Outback to say goodbye to Michael and Julie.  It was definitely one of my favorite weekends in this country. 

So, that's the story.  Someday, when I'm ready, I'll lay out my whole testimony, and the long journey it's been to get to this point.  For now, you can watch the video below if you want.  A friend from my church in Bastrop asked me to make a video for their sermon series called, "Warrior."  I don't know if it was shown, but here it is.  I'm sorry if the sound doesn't match up to the video.  It's so annoying, but I don't know how to fix it.  And I don't know why my lip is doing this weird off to the side thing. Do I always look talk like that?  Seriously?



So....this is about as transparent as I've ever been.  If you have questions or comments, feel free to leave them below.  If you're in or around Changwon and are interested in finding a church home, let me know, I'll be glad to talk to you about it. 

Until next time...

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."  Hebrews 11:1