There are several definitions for the word pride: noun 1. a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc. 2.pleasure or satisfaction taken in something done by or belonging to oneself or believed to reflect credit upon oneself: civic pride. 3. a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect; self-esteem.
After everything began to crumble around me this week, that may be a tad dramatic, I looked up this word and read the above definitions. I also looked it up in Greek and Hebrew and read a bunch of stuff online, and I realized, with some, or a lot, of shame, that I never understood how pride can manifest itself. At the root of it all, my pride lies in the fact that I feel like I am owed something. All the time. By everyone. And that is why I am so angry all the time. So simple, you'd think it would have been easier to recognize; but I could have never given words to what I was feeling. And now that I have...the sermons I heard weeks ago on humility and meekness make a lot more sense.
Something has been taken from me this week. Something I deemed important to my existence, which seems stupid even as I write it. Maybe I should qualify that by saying, to my existence here, in Korea. A friendship with two people that I truly enjoyed was cut off due to insecurities beyond my control. I was hurt. I AM hurt. I keep tearing up when I think about it, though I attribute some of that to the massive cramps I've been having for days. (Sorry guys.) I keep replaying the last eight months, and I have no idea what I have done wrong. Typically, if I know what I did, I own it, and I try to fix it. I have done A LOT of apologizing over the last few months. But I can't, for the life of me, figure out how I have offended these people. Clearly, it's a part of this culture I have not fully grasped. It has been constantly on my mind, and I have this sick feeling in my chest, like I've done something terribly wrong. I'm having conversations in my mind that will probably never happen. Scenarios where I run into them while I'm out with our mutual friends keep playing themselves out. On the walk to school this morning, it was so loud in my head that I couldn't hear the music playing through my headphones. I kept trying to figure out why this is bothering me so much. It's not like we're best friends. We're not even close friends. I came to the conclusion sometime today that it is because I feel like I am owed something: an explanation; a second chance; a do-over. When I understood that, the rest of the pieces started falling in to place. Why am I so angry at five year olds? Because they are taking control from me. Why am I so angry with people I work around? Because they are taking control from me. Why do I get annoyed and upset with people around me? Because they are taking time and control away from me; they aren't giving me the courtesies or respect that I desire from them. At the end of it all, it's about me. And suddenly, the first line of Rick Warren's "Purpose Driven Life" came back to me: "It's not about you."
There it is. The truth, finally. The problem is ME. It's the "I" in all those sentences above. I have been reading over and over again about dying to self. I have been conflicted because I have no idea what that means practically. I have been struggling because I know I can't do it on my own strength, but I don't even know what that truly means. Maybe the first step in releasing this anger and frustration and confusion and hurt and guilt is just the total abandonment of the notion that this life is about me. Isn't that the essence of "denying self"? Maybe it is joyful acceptance of the Truth that nothing that I do is going to get me closer to heaven, that Jesus loves me just as I am, and that who I am and where I am is not a mistake, but providence. Maybe it is grasping the knowledge that if I am fearfully and wonderfully made, so is every other person that walks this earth, therefore releasing the reservations and judgment I hold in my heart. I feel like this moment is the complete undoing of everything that has been holding me together for years, but maybe, this is what it feels like to be truly broken. I feel an overwhelming exhaustion, like I've been wrestling forever with something I was never able to get a firm hold on, never once having the upper hand, but never fully giving up either. I think it's time now. I have to let go of everything I cling to and let God begin or continue or restart the process of rebuilding what has been torn down. It is only through the faith He has given me and the grace and mercy He has lovingly shown me, that I can begin to become the woman He has created me to be.
Thanks friends...just needed to talk that out.
I love you!
"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom." Proverbs 11:2
